SLASH
by jarec
Summary: Who's posting this stuff, anyway? And why is it all over Gotham City?
1. Chapter 1

_ Shadowy Love, a tale of Romance on the Rooftops_

_By The Nightwriter_

_Batman stood in the shadows of the immense building, waiting for his lover to arrive. His heart hammering in his chest, the Dark Knight scanned the roof tops of the area, until finally he saw a purple form approaching. Breathing a sigh of relief, the masked man approached his lover._

_"I shouldn't be doing this" Batman murmured, as the Joker leaned in to capture his mouth in a passionate kiss, sliding his own hands into the pale maniac's shirt. "WE shouldn't be doing this. It's wrong."_

_"No" the Joker replied when he pulled his mouth away "We shouldn't. That's why it's fun"_

"DICK!" Barbara screamed "What the hell did you put on my computer?! This is…disgusting!"

From the clocktower's kitchen, Dick Grayson called back "What? So I pasted your head on Pamela Anderson's body, big deal. You should be thankful I couldn't find a good picture of Pamela ISLEY…"

"Not THAT" Barbara yelled, scowling at her screen "This…FILTH!"

Intrigued, Dick abandoned his efforts to make hot chocolate and ambled towards the computer area "What filth?"

"Someone" the redhead said, in tones of incalculable menace "Sent me some kind of…sick…gay…porn story, starring Batman and the Joker. And now I can't get it off my screen!"

"WHAT?!" Dick raced into the room, and rapidly began scanning the text, occasionally mumbling some of it aloud "Eased out of his violet pants…fingers through green hair….tight against the wet spandex…Oh GOD! 'His turgid ivory white manhood'?! Jesus! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

Babs, meanwhile, had flipped on her back-up system only to find the same story appearing on her screen the moment the computer accessed the Internet. "It's here too. Whoever did this, they've somehow rigged the local network to send it to all computers, and once it's on it can't be turned off." Leaving her workstation, the woman known as Oracle began to search her shelves, finally withdrawing a small laptop.

"Well, at least that means it's limited in effect. Can you imagine Bruce's reaction if he saw something like this?"

"Don't feel relieved just yet Dickie" Babs said "This laptop uses a different network than my other systems, and it's showing a different story by this Nightwriter"

"is it as bad as this one?" Dick said, his voice filled with disgust.

"It's called Send In The Clown, Dick. Need I say more?"

"So what does this mean, Babs? Some sicko is writing Joker/Batman porn, and forcing the rest of us to read it by crowding out everything else?"

"That, and that Bruce is going to see this or something like it, if he hasn't already."

Dick's eyes widened and a shudder wracked his frame. "Can I stay with you for a while? Like, until we're eligible for retirement?"

* * *

In Arkham Asylum's computer room, laughter filled the air. This was a touch unusual, since neither the Joker nor Harley Quinn were currently incarcerated, nor did the other inmates usually find much to laugh about. Many of the major rogues- Poison Ivy, Twoface, Riddler and the Ventriloquist- were currently gathered around one computer terminal, pointing and laughing at what was there. Currently, the Riddler was reading aloud for the benefit of all.

"…his strong arms wrapped around the Joker's wiry frame, pressing him close. "Why can't I do without you:? Why do you have such a hold on my mind, my body, my heart?' The clown grasped the vigilantes chin and pulled him down for another slow, passionate kiss. When it was over, the Joker said in a breathy voice 'Why so serious?' The End"

"HAHAHAHA!" Ivy laughed, her first real laughter in years "Oh, this is great! Switch networks Eddie, find us another one!"

"Yeah, Eds" Scarface said "We need another one! I ain't laughed dis hard in years! Dese stories is moider! Ain't dat right, dummy?"

"I-I " Arnold Wesker stammered "I can't say I like them very much mister Scarface"

"Ah whatta you know? Find us another one, Ed!"

"What I want to know" Twoface said "Is this: First, who's writing this stuff? And second, what're Batman and the Joker going to do when they see it?"

Everyone paused at that, and Riddler finally broke the silence "This is probably the first time I've ever said this, but I'm glad I'm in Arkham. The Bat is going to go Batserk"

"Don't you mean berserk, Eddie?" Ivy asked as she sat down at a second terminal and started looking for a new network connection. "How do you do this, anyway?"

"I know what I mean." Nygma said grimly as he took the keyboard away from Ivy. With a few keystrokes, he hacked through the Arkham firewall, and selected a new network. Predictably, the screen was immediately filled with a fresh story. "He is going to scour the streets looking for whoever did this, and since I'm the most computer-savvy of the Rogues, he'd normally start with me. I've broken enough bones for the year, thanks. As for the Joker…let's just say I think he'll give new meaning to the phrase 'Slash fic'"

"Hey, you don't think dem rumors are true do ya?" Scarface asked, in a surprisingly timorous voice "Ya know, da ones about Joker havin a thing for da Gat?"

Ivy made a face "No, the clown doesn't swing that way. Trust me, I've been forced to see WAY too many of Harley's love bites and hickeys to doubt that."

"Could be a geard though" the dummy mused "Ya know, hang out wit da hot goil so no one tinks yer a fruit"

"Only way to find out is to ask HIM" Twoface said, in a final tone "And if anyone wants to walk up to the Joker and ask him if he's secretly in love with Batman…well, I know someone who's great with wills."

"It makes me feel sorry for whoever did write this" Wesker said quietly.

"I feel sorry for Harley" Ivy declared, as Nygma cleared his throat to begin another reading "You know she and the clown are 'broken up' again- for however long that lasts. She is NOT going to take this well."

* * *

Seated in the FreshRost Internet Café, Harley stared at the screen before her with mounting fury. How DARE this…this CREEP write such lies about her Puddin'?! Mista J loved HER, not Batman! Unless… Harley's fury changed to anxiety. She hadn't been a very good girl recently, had she? Talking back, goofing up, crying when he hit her… Maybe this was a sign from above that if she didn't treat her Angel right, she might lose him. Harley decided to go make up with Mista J before it was too late. She logged off the computer and headed for the cash to pay her bill.

As she went, one customer started laughing. He was a heavyset young man with red hair and an irritating laugh "Oh man, this stuff is hilarious!" he said to his companion sitting beside him "And probably true too! I mean, the guy wears so much purple!"

Harley froze in midstep, one foot off the ground, before whirling back towards the laughter. Grabbing the offending youth by his hair, she slanmed him face first into the desk. "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!" she shrieked, slamming his head into the desk again and again "My Puddin' loves ME! Not the Bat! Not no one else! Me! Me! MEE!" She let go and the young man slumped forward. When he raised his face again, it was clear that his nose was broken and was bleeding copiously.

"P-PPuddin'? Oh, god you're… listen, I-I don't want any trouble" he stammered "I-I just wanted to check my mail and have a cup of coffee"

"Coffee? You want coffee?! I'LL GIVE YA COFFEE!" Harley stamped over to the café's main desk, where the staff were currently trying to get the system running properly again- or at least get that damn story off their screens. So preoccupied were they, that they didn't notice the furious blonde grab a steaming pot of coffee. Stamping back to her target's table she splashed the entire pot of boiling liquid in his face. With a scream of agony, the man tumbled to the floor, clawing at his burned face.

"I'm going to go find my Puddin'" Harley declared "An' no one better try to stop me!"

A/N  
Someone asked me what I thought of all the Joker/Batman stories appearing on this sit e. This is my reply.  
Next chapter Batman's response and the mystery revealed!


	2. Chapter 2

Alfred Pennyworth strode into the vast complex of caverns that formed the Batcave. His employer had not come to lunch, nor had he sent for anything to eat since breakfast- nearly eight hours ago. Most domestics would have blithely assumed that the master had chosen to eat out, or was on a diet of some sort but Alfred knew his charge better than anyone else in the universe. Batman was in perfect physical condition as it was; a diet would only detract from that. Bruce Wayne seldom left the house during daylight hours, and never did so without informing Alfred. Therefore, there was only one option remaining: If Batman had not come to lunch nor ordered food brought to him, that meant that he was simply too busy to eat. This did not overly worry Alfred: to tell the truth it reminded him strongly of Thomas Wayne. The senior mister Wayne had often been so immersed in his work that he would simply forget to eat, drink and even sleep. Since Master Bruce did not have a wife to drag him down to the table by his ear (a memory that still made the butler chuckle even now), then it fell to Alfred to do so.

As he approached the central area of the Batcave, he noticed how bright it was, a refreshing change from the usual gloom. Then he saw that the white screen of the Batcomputer was lighting the area. That was unusual in itself- normally, Batman preferred the screen to be dark so as to preserve his night vision. As he drew closer he could see that the screen was covered in text. He also saw his employer seated in front of the screen, scowling deeply at the text.

"Master Bruce, I trust that there is a valid reason that you allowed my trout almandine luncheon to go to waste?" he said as he stepped closer.

Batman whirled the chair around and stood up. "Read this and tell me how you're appetite is. I'll be back in a moment"

Alfred sat down and shook his head at the dramatics of the young. What could possibly be so disturbing? He scrolled up to the start of the page. 'Greasepaint Kisses' he read to himself 'Sounds harmless enough'

Bruce stood under the showerhead, allowing the hot water to cascade over his skin. After a few minutes, he stopped feeling as though a thin greasy film coated his entire body. He heard the door to the bathroom open and FELT Alfred glaring at him.

"Master Bruce" Alfred said in a disgusted tone "That was, without question, the most nauseating and depraved thing it has ever been my misfortune to read. Where in the world did you find it? And, more importantly, why in God's name are you keeping it?!"

As he dried off, Bruce gave Alfred a brief summary of what had been going on in the city, concluding with "I'm sorry you had to see that Alfred, but..."

"Say no more, sir. My manners upon arriving in your sanctum were less than sterling. And after reading that…that, I can well see why you lost your patience. I can't imagine what sort of person takes two known heterosexuals and alters their sexuality to entertain themselves. "

Bruce grunted, and he slipped the costume back on. "How do you think I feel? If it were ANYONE else, I could dismiss it. Some people have odd tastes. But the Joker is my antithesis; he's the embodiment of everything I've dedicated my life to fighting. I hate him in a way I don't hate any of my enemies- and I know he feels the same. Just the thought of what's in those stories makes me sick"

"The images conjured are off-putting to say the least" Alfred said, wryly "I can certainly see why you chose to forgo lunch."

"I doubt I'll be up to dinner either, Alfred. Save the trout for tomorrow, though" Batman headed down to the Batcave "I'm going to get Robin and try to find out who's behind this. They may have the right to express themselves but not to hack into private networks and systems."

"Very good, sir. Oh, and Master Bruce?"

Batman paused before the stairwell that led to the caves and turned back to his oldest friend. "Yes, Alfred?"

Alfred raised an eyebrow and smiled slightly "I believe the expression is-Give them one for me."

* * *

In the bowels of Police Headquarters, Commissioner Gordon was trying desperately not to look at his computer screen. Official Regulations forbade him from simply shutting the thing off- after all, in the age of email and instant messaging, it was at least as important as the telephone. But he couldn't look at the filth some sick freak had placed on the police Ethernet. Lord only knew how they'd done it, or why. What was worse was that they KEPT ON doing it; the story changed every so often. The first to appear had been called Dark Nights, then came Purple Is The Color of Passion, and now Under the Mask. Each one contained a love story- a LURID love story- featuring one of his best friends and the Joker.

"Computer trouble?" Robin said, as he and his mentor stepped out of the shadows. For some reason, Gordon found himself unable to look at Batman. He tried to force himself, but his eyes wouldn't do it.

'For God's sake, get a hold of yourself!' He thought furiously 'Batman's saved your life more times than you can count! It's not his fault.' Yet, whenever Gordon tried to look at the masked hero, his mind produced an image from one of those damned stories. An image of Batman embracing the beast who'd murdered Gordon's wife, crippled his daughter, and brought chaos and death to the city every chance he got. He opened his mouth to apologize for this failing, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't need to explain, Jim. I know- and I understand. Believe me, I want to shut this hacker down as much as you do."

"I doubt that" Gordon said quietly. "I really do. I have a feeling this sicko's fantasies will feature heavily in my nightmares for years to come"

"But that's not our biggest problem. If these stories are bothering us this much, how do you think the Joker's taking it?" Batman asked "We have to find this so-called author and soon, before the Joker gets him first."

* * *

Deep within his HA-Hacienda, the Joker laughed to himself, a sound that set Bud and Lou to laughing as well. He'd outdone himself this time! True, he'd fallen into a bit of a slump when Harley stormed out- he'd gotten so used to having her around that it was strange to be alone again. Still, he'd carried on doing all the usual things that one had to do to stay on top in Gotham City. He'd made bombs, tended his guns, made some plans…all very tedious. And then, while he was surfing the Internet for ideas, inspiration had struck!  
A whole NEW way to mess with the Bat's mind!

It had taken him some time to write the stories, and even more time to hack the various networks to get them up, but from what he could tell it was already worth it. All the news shows were talking about his work- parents groups were in an uproar! Someone, they cried, must protect our precious angels from this filth! He'd rocked with laughter when a small mob had burned a gay nightclub to the ground.

Honestly, he didn't know why he'd never thought of it before. Write a few smutty stories about himself and the Bat, and force everyone to read it! By this time tomorrow, Ol' Guanoman wouldn't be able to show his face in Gotham! Already there was a pop psychologist talking about the obvious homoerotic subtext of their battles.

"Paging doctor Freud" the mad mime said aloud "Sometimes a knife is just a knife! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

The only question was: Should he tell who was behind it or not? On the one hand, if he told, he could rub Fatman's nose in it. A few coy lines about spousal abuse during a fight, or maybe complimenting him on his ass the next time he burst into a hideout… that was good for a few months worth of material. All of it guaranteed to drive his nemesis right out of his little batty mind. Sure, some people would think he had the hots for Buttman, but so what? They'd never dare say anything, and anyway a few public displays of affection with Harley should take care of that problem.  
On the other hand if he said nothing, everyone ELSE would make fun of the Bat. The Joker knew that Batman ignored most of his quips- it hurt to see ones best material ignored, but then he'd always known Batbreath was an unappreciative audience. However, if other people said those same lines it might get through. Slowly wearing on his mind, adding to the pressure…It was a delightful thought, really, making Batso the laughingstock of Gotham.

Still, one thing was certain; he was nearing the end of his fun. Already, many of the networks had shut down to prevent him posting more of his work. Ah well, the game had run its course anyway. Besides, writing about him and the Bat was beginning to turn his stomach. All in all, though, it had been a great day.

A/N  
This actually came from a message PrincessBee sent me, asking what I thought about the "nu wave flood of Joker/OC and endless slash" (her words). It made me think- how would the Joker respond to this stuff? And THEN I thought: wouldn't the Joker be WRITING this stuff? It'd piss off Batman, and shock the populace, so why not?

I actually sampled a few slash fics to write this properly. Never say I don't sacrifice for my audience. I needed a 30-minute shower after that lot.

This was NOT a complaint about the Dark Knight Movie- I LOVED that film. Although, in passing I'd like to point out that this site DOES feature a Movies category. Nor is this an anti-gay thing. No, this is simply me mocking a stupid and abhorrent pairing. Batman and Joker are blood enemies- they hate each other worse than anything else in the world. Worse yet, every slash writer picks either Batman/Joker or Robin/Batman. If you MUST do this, be original. How about Twoface/Killer Croc? Gordon/Bullock? Alfred and the Ventriloquist? Don't just copy everyone else, shock and horrify me in an all new way!


End file.
